a chance in hell

Two weeks ago, my friends Rog and Kristine plotted that they were going to get me stupid drunk for my birthday. Jan 22 was to be the day. My birthday actually fell on a Saturday this year. What luck! What debauchery filled our imaginations! The night grew inside our minds. We decided to make a night of it. Dinner, dancing, drinking. More and more people hopped on the birthday band wagon. Yes, it was going to be a fun night.

I haven't celebrated my birthday for quite some time. It just hasn't mattered for the past few years. I'm not a big birthday person. I forget people's birthdays all the time. So, why should anybody remember mine, and why should I shove my birthday down anyone's throats? That's been my rationale. But this year, I really wanted it to matter enough to bring everyone together. I wanted Lorna to meet Kamilah. I wanted my cousin Kaylan to meet Rene. I wanted Lasana to meet Rog. All of these wonderful permutations of people, getting to know eachother. That's a birthday present all in itself.

I pictured it all in my head; Rene turning on the charm and making everyone laughing, their eyes saying, yes Samantha, you picked a good one this time. I thought of the sweet dread of my cousin Kaylan telling embarrassing stories about my youth. I thought of Kristine's endearing snort that occurs every time she laughs, and Rog's habit of buying people drinks for no particular reason. And me, the meat in everyone's dance sandwiches, all night long. It was all going to be perfect....and then, the weather report came. A huge cataclysmic blizzard was scheduled to arrive right smack on the forehead of my birthday. But, 25, it's special right? Right? And an exaggerated snow prediction wasn't going to stop me from turning 25 in style.

Rene and I woke up around 10:30am on Saturday, looked out the window and saw no snow. We laid in my twin bed and enjoyed eachother's bodies. Next thing we know, we looked out the window again and the snow was coming down like confetti and the ground was already layered in white. I'd never seen snow come down so fast. The whole sky was white; I could hardly see the next building over. Rene had to go to work for 3:00. He got dressed and left. I admired him.

I knew I had to go out there. I had no groceries in the fridge. And my newfound craving for stawberry milk was starting to make me itch. I put on my winter gear and headed out. This so called "blizzard" looked much more threatening from 32 stories up that it actually was on the ground. How gorgeous: the white carpeted streets, and the snow falling everywhere. I loved walking in it; I loved the way it made my feet slide slightly. I savored the short walk to the Food Emporium and found myself walking slower than I ever have a day in New York. The temperature wasn't that cold. The wind wasn't that vicious. The most threatening day was turning out to be the most benign, the most giving.

I got back, unpacked groceries, cooked some eggs and called my buddy Elijah. Elijah is an amazing vocalist who I recently befriended. We talk every day and he loves to watch movies just as much as i do. I wanted his company, so i called him and told him that I wish he were here with me. By 3:00, he was at my door, fresh from Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn. He brought me a snowball for my birthday! How thoughtful! I went on the terrace and threw it down and watched it fall 32 stories, only to land right on someone's head! I couldn't believe that the snowball lasted that fall! I didn't mean to hit anyone, but damn it was funny and I would do it again and again! Maybe snowballs do have a chance in hell. Maybe I will, too.

We watched the third Harry Potter as the snow fell all afternoon, all evening. One by one, my friends started dropping like flies. Omar wasn't going to be able to come in from New Jersey. Lasana wasn't going to be able to make it from Queens. Kristine wasn't going to be able to make it from Brooklyn. Kaylan, who lives right across the park said, "have a nice night." My darling Rog was the only one who was still down, he was in rehersal most of the day and brought a bottle of his best Bourbon in his backpack just in case. Now that's a friend. Once he realized it was a wash, we decided to reschedule it for next Friday, and he ended up heading back to Brooklyn.

So, it was just me and Elijah. Rene called me from work in the evening and I told him Elijah was over and that we were watching a movie. When I hung up the phone, Elijah asked me if Rene minded him being over there. I said, "no, he shouldn't." Plus, Rene and Elijah met each other last week and they had good rapport. They seemed to have liked each other. Elijah said that if he were in Rene's position, that he would feel insecure. Very honest. I gave Elijah this whole speech about how relationships are about trust and how Rene shouldn't have a problem with him being over, and how any man that dates me has to understand that I have male friends in my life and it will always be that way. Elijah said that people's experiences shape who they are and I told him that I agreed, that Rene actually has been cheated on before. One of his ex-girlfriends got pregnant by another man while the were still together. Yes, experiences do shape us, but I told Elijah that that doesn't change what I require. I require someone who will not try to prevent me from having other men in my life. I've never cheated on a boyfriend before and I don't plan on starting now.

I laugh now to think of how sure I sounded of myself, how sure I can sound of anything once I put my mind to it. The snow kept coming down harder and harder. The apartment was cozy and comfortable. Elijah and I had enough strawberry milk (he loves it, too) to last us until morning. 9, 10, 11, midnight came around and Elijah still hadn't left. We had put in another movie, Angels in America, which was 6 damn hours a long! When Rene called again from his job at around 12:30am, I found myself in a dilemna. I answered the phone, and walked away from Elijah, and up the stairs. Why was I doing this? I may not have been honest with Rene, but I was honest with myself: I didn't want Rene to know that Elijah was still there.

Why not, though? I wasn't doing anything wrong. Elijah and I have a platonic relationship. I guess the question is: what's the difference between 1:00 in the afternoon and 1:00 in the morning, while your man is hard at work? In my own mind, when did Elijah's presence become inappropriate? This "thinking for two" is some new shit for me because I haven't had a boyfriend in over 2 years, since Omar back in 02. I'm used to having men over-- platonic friends and wild lovers--till ungodly hours and not having to answer to anybody or having to care about anyone else's feelings. I didn't mean to be dishonest with Rene; I just didn't want him to feel insecure. I didn't want him to start thinking things that weren't there.

Rene didn't ask if Elijah were still there. And that alone makes him beautiful to me. If he did, i honestly don't know what I would have told him. And perhaps, that's what makes me not-so-beautiful.

Apparently, Spanish is not the only thing I have to learn and relearn.